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So that's what they call telling the truth now-elitism.

You know what I wish I could give Hillary Clinton right now, live on TV for all the world to see?

A big, fat, full-blown, elitist goddam wedgie.

Then I'd turn to the camera and say loud and clear:

Can't we all just get along?

Speaking of which.

CHAPTER 17 - We'd Hate You Even if You Weren't Black

When it comes to overbearing, politically correct crapola and the lengths people in this country will go to in order to bullshit each other and try to force the rest of us to toe the same ridiculous line, racial and ethnic stereotyping is perhaps the most ridiculous area of all.

We have decided to try and convince ourselves that anytime a stereotype is mentioned or even pops its ugly head up right in front of our faces-it just cannot be true.

Thus, we are left to believe the following:

The Irish don't like to drink and fight-mostly with each other.

The Italians don't have members of their tribe who like to control the construction and garbage collection businesses and will kill any other Italians who get in their way.

The Chinese are great drivers.

So are the Japanese.

French girls like to shave.

The British have wonderful teeth and no problem at all expressing their feelings.

Polish people are smart.

You never see eight Puerto Ricans inside a hot purple Ford Escort so souped-up with motorhead equipment that the rims, the hood scoop, the hemi and the spoiler on the back are worth more than the car itself.

Black people don't love grape soda, ice cream and fried chicken (although their neighborhoods are full of stores that sell all three from behind the same exact counter).

The Scottish spend money like it grows on trees.

Jews make amazing hockey players.

Canadians don't like ice.

The Russians love wine, Koreans hate math, the Danish are dancers, the Swiss take a stand, the Greeks don't own diners, Australians drink milk all day and the Germans have an incredible sense of humor.

But the Mexicans? They, my friend, are out to take our jobs. And Arabs-they all wanna kill us.

(By the way-the only true false fact in the above batch of bull is the one about Polish people. I've never met a dumb Polack. Every Polack I ever knew had brains and brawn-even my teenaged Polish girlfriend. I think the Polish became victims of a widespread panic when they came to America and showed an outright ability to work hard, attend church and remain polite. All the other immigrant groups felt powerless to slap a label on them so they just picked one they thought you could get away with-dumb. There's gotta be a couple a dumb ones, right? Not in my experience. Besides-the Polish people invented pierogies. And anyone who figures out how to stuff potatoes inside of pasta is okay by me.)

The Irish love the English, the English love the French, the French adore the Spanish-who just worship the ground the Portuguese walk on.

Uh-huh.

And Americans-we just love them all.

In a country built by immigrants-people who sailed here from other places and then when travel by boat was replaced by the plane-flew here in wave after wave-we have somehow tossed all the amazing individuality aside in favor of one big happy melting smelting pot. 2

No dice, folks.

Take it from a guy whose parents DID come here on a big slow boat-the reason we have stereotypes is because the first four generations of each individual tribe ESTABLISHED that behavior when we all arrived.

I'm Irish.

We drink. And fight.

With each other.

A lot.

Especially at Thanksgiving.

I know a ton of Jewish guys and some of them are terrific athletes-only one of them can skate.

I know a shitload of Canadian guys AND girls-not one of them has the slightest idea how to help me with my taxes.

And we're supposed to act like these things are not true?

Like I said-no dice. Which brings us to the Indians.

Look-we stole this country from the Indians because of two things:

1. We had more guns.

2. They liked to drink.

That's