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Wow.

Do you realize that most of Europe, all of the Middle East and everyone who lives anywhere near China would give their nation's left ball to have even ONE of our neighbors next to them? Anyone else would be handing out free skates, beer and beef enchiladas.

Not here, though. Fear and financial worry turn someone who doesn't look or sound like us into the enemy at hand.

I gotta believe if Sweden was located right below Texas and six-foot-tall, long-legged blond chicks in hot pants and halter tops were sneaking over the border just begging to landscape our lawns? Every single senator would be lining up to sign a bill not only allowing them in-but making sure their backyards got worked on first.

My father came here as an illegal immigrant. So did my mom. As did my Uncle Jerry-who wasn't here a year before he got drafted-a couple of weeks after he got his citizenship. What did he do? He went to Korea and got his newly Irish American ass shot at. Then he came home to become a successful member of society.

That's the system our forefathers put in place, folks.

Show up, prove your worth-join in all the fun.

It says so right on the Statue of Liberty.

It doesn't say bring us your tired, your poor-but hey-not those goddam Mexicans.

If anyone has any doubts left-Barack Obama or no Barack Obama-that racism is alive and well in the U.S. of A-the xenophobic attitude toward the twenty million Mexican people already here and the twenty million others trying to get in every single day sends a surefire message to everyone else on the planet-we are not only still racists-we are, in fact, retarded racists.

Fear fear fear fear-that's where it all begins.

No one is born with a racist bone in his or her body. Your parents have to put it there. My son Jack hated a lot of people when he was small-the doctor, the dentist, his even smaller cousin who drooled all over his toys. But you know what he hated most of all? Naps.

When Mel Gibson gets pulled over driving drunk with an open bottle of Patrуn tequila planted between his legs and promptly begins to spout anti-Jewish comments at the cops brandishing cuffs before him-are we really gonna buy the argument that it was the alcohol talking?

If that was true-that a few swallows of tequila sends you off on an anti-Jewish tirade-then after happy hour started, Mexico would be a No-Jew zone. Bar doors would fling open and previously friendly Mexicans would start screaming anti-Semitic rants and rambles-until they sobered up.

Not buying it, Mel.

If alcohol were to blame for all the hatred in the world then the bitter blood feud between the Protestants and the Catholics that almost ate up the Irish countryside would have been easily ended by just taking all the whiskey away.

"Wow-now that there's no more booze left-I realize how much I like the other side. Who knew?"

Is Mel Gibson an amazingly talented actor and director with a true gift for storytelling?

Yes.

Do I blame the tequila for what he said?

No. I blame his father. Who runs a splinter-group Catholic church in Malibu that believes the Holocaust didn't happen.

You can go to twenty-five AA meetings a week, folks-it may keep you sober but it won't keep you sane.

Yeah yeah-the Holocaust didn't happen, Nixon was just misunderstood and Mariah Carey doesn't look like a prostitute with that brand-new set of tits.

My father taught me that assholes come in every color-even the ones in our very own family. He didn't give that info over in some kind of Gaelic Martin Luther King speech:

I have a dream. That one day all the idiots in our very own bloodline will actually figure out just how stupid they are and turn over their tools to someone who knows how to use them.

He just believed in judging every man on his own individual merits. So wiping the slate clean in America by pretending we are all the same, all one big, happy family with equal rights and equal abilities just ain't owning up to the facts.

Some people suck. Some people don't. Some people run fast. Some people can't.