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I looked at Pastor Rich, who at this point had tears in his eyes, too. And I thought to myself, Just tell me. What in the world is going on?

“Um,” Jim started again, followed by another deep breath. “Wow, this is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be.” Then he said it: “Jill, I have not been faithful to you. For a long time, I have not been faithful. I would do okay for a little while and…”

He paused and took another deep breath. “I don’t want to hurt you anymore.” Another sigh.

What was I supposed to say?

I didn’t know what to do.

I just sat there and stared at the coffee table in front of me.

I was shocked.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

“Your mother called me the day we got home from St. Kitts and told me it was very important that she see me right away. And so we met the other day, in the mall parking lot out by the girls’ school. As soon as I saw her, I knew something was wrong. She handed me a letter and asked me to read it.”

He paused and took another breath. “Thank God for your mother, Jill….”

My mother! How is she involved in all of this? I thought to myself. I wanted to run out of the room and call her, I was so confused and anxious.

“After reading your mother’s letter, I looked at your mom and she was crying. I didn’t know what to say or do. I was sort of mad and scared.”

Jim paused and looked over at Pastor Rich. “Jill, I don’t want to hurt you and the girls anymore. After I read your mom’s letter, I wanted to change. But I needed help. I’ve already met with Pastor Rich, Danny, and Pastor Jerry.”

As Jim continued to explain his frantic search for help, I sat there and bawled.

“Jill, I realize now that Jesus is the only one who can help me. I need Him. I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to do this anymore. You don’t deserve to be treated this way.”

Another deep breath and he continued. “Jill, I’ve asked Jesus to forgive me and help me.” He turned his body toward me and looked directly into my eyes as he said, “Will you forgive me?”

I replied, “I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to feel.”

I could barely look at Jim. I had given in and given up so many times. I had forgiven and started over so often I had lost count.

“I’m so thankful and yet very sad,” I said as tears streamed down my face. “I’m angry but I want to be happy. What am I supposed to do?”

Hoping for some sort of guidance and encouragement, I glanced over at Pastor Rich. He was overwhelmed, too.

Jim broke the silence, looking at Pastor Rich for assurance. “Jill, everything is BC now, right, Pastor Rich?”

Caught up in a rush of raw emotions, I didn’t get the “BC” comment right away.

“Yes, Jim,” he said. “Everything that you have done, the mistakes and choices you’ve made, are forgiven. They are BC: before Christ. And Jill, you know that. Jim’s decision to get help changes everything. When he was in my office the other day, I knew he meant business. He was desperate for help. He understood exactly what he was doing.”

I wondered in that moment if Pastor Rich somehow knew what I was thinking. He knew the good, the bad, and the very ugly. During our counseling sessions over the past year I had held nothing back. He knew the vastness of the chasm that alienated Jim and me. He was privy to the sordid details of our broken, messed-up relationship.

Yet even though Pastor Rich continued to assure me of Jim’s sincerity, I couldn’t help feeling cynical. As much as I wanted to believe Jim, I was still doubtful. Was this just another scheme? He was a master at scrambling his way out of threatening situations; was he desperate just because he was cornered?

I was angry and hurt. I felt as if the wind had been knocked out of me.

I didn’t want to wonder, but I couldn’t stop myself…. Is he sincere? Is he for real? I wanted to believe he was telling the truth.

On numerous occasions I had prayed that God would expose Jim and bring him to a place of brokenness. And now that it had finally happened… I wasn’t ready to believe it.

Not knowing exactly how to act or feel, I just sat there.

And cried.

“I feel