Without a Word_ How a Boy's Unspoken Love Changed Everything - Jill Kelly [74]
Blinking back tears, Jim continued, his voice faltering, “The only word I can think of to really describe how I feel is free. I finally feel free.”
As soon as Jim said those words, I turned toward him and whispered, “I forgive you.”
When Jim said that he felt free, I knew he meant it. I knew it because that sense of freedom was familiar to me—I also knew what it meant to feel free in that way.
For Jim to finally surrender all the junk of his past was huge. He must have felt like a new man when that crushing weight was lifted off his chest.
And of course he was. The man who had been my husband died that day. He died to himself so that he could be forgiven and set free.
In Jim’s Own Words
Jacque, Jill’s mother, called me and told me she needed to talk to me about something important. I had a lot going on after being out of town for a few days, so I was hoping that whatever it was wouldn’t take too long.
We decided to meet in a nearby mall parking lot that morning. I pulled up next to her car, and she got out and walked over to my truck. She handed me a letter and said, “I want you to read this.”
“Right now?” I asked, hoping she wasn’t expecting me to read it right then and there.
“Yes, right now.”
I could tell she was upset. I didn’t want to read the letter while she was standing there staring at me, but I knew I had to.
“What does this mean?” I asked her once I’d skimmed it.
“I think you know what this means, Jim. You need to tell Jill.”
“What?” I was frustrated and mad.
“You need to tell Jill or I’m going to.”
Jacque got in her car and drove away. I pulled out of the mall parking lot and just drove. I was stunned and disoriented. As I pondered how in the world I would tell Jill, I didn’t even notice that a school bus had stopped to let some kids off on the opposite side of the road in front of me. I slammed on the brakes and sat there in shock. As soon as I could, I pulled off to the side of the road and started reading through Jacque’s letter again.
In the letter Jacque said she knew that I was still living an immoral lifestyle, and she could not just sit by and let my behavior destroy Jill and the girls. She said she wanted to believe that I still loved Jill, but if that was true, I needed to acknowledge the bondage I was trapped in, confess everything to Jill, and ask her and Jesus for forgiveness. Her last words were, “Humble yourself before God. He already knows everything. He is waiting. Let Him free you, Jim.” She would be praying that God would open my eyes and heart.
As I read through the letter, I knew I needed help. I was afraid of what Jill might do when she found out. This wasn’t the first time I had screwed up. Would she forgive me again? And of course, I thought about the girls. I didn’t want to lose them, too. I had caused such a mess.
After I finished reading the letter I immediately called my brother Danny. I got his voice mail and left a message, telling him I needed to talk to him as soon as possible. And then I called Pastor Rich. I couldn’t get ahold of him either.
Danny eventually called me back and assured me that he would be there for me. Dan contacted Pastor Rich and set up a meeting at church that afternoon. The three of us met, and I told them everything and then we prayed. I don’t remember my exact words, but I remember how I felt after I prayed: like a huge weight had been lifted off of me. The feeling was like nothing I had ever experienced in my life. I wish I had known before what it was like to trust Jesus; I would have done it a long time ago.
The following day I had a meeting with Jill’s mom and dad at Pastor Rich’s office. I had asked Pastor Rich to call Jacque and Jerry for me to ask them to meet. I needed to talk to them face-to-face. I wanted them to know that I was sorry.
I was a nervous wreck, but I felt like everything would be okay. Jill’s dad,