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By Root 896 0

of cold water in my face. This was still about Rhonda. Iyanla was trying to move through Rhonda’s fear and shame. The same fear and shame that had ruled her life. What should I do? Why is she still so ashamed? My body was beginning to tremble. I was fighting the urge to cry. Ken Kizer, one of my teachers and counselors, had once told me, “When you feel the fear coming up in your body, drop your hands to your sides and let it come up. Don’t fight it. Don’t deny it the right to exist. It will probably feel like you are about to die. The only thing you will die to is the fear. You will live long enough to see that it will not kill you.”

I did exactly what Ken said, I dropped my hands to my sides and let my body shake and tremble. My stomach flipped. Sweat broke out on my brow. What is Rhonda afraid of? What is she so guilty about? The words came from a place in the pit of my stomach. One at a time they entered my brain, “You are guilty because you killed your mother!” What? How did I do that? I was crying out loud now. My brain was stuck on the words. Your guilt comes from the belief that you killed your mother! I couldn’t breathe. I wanted to run, but I couldn’t move. You are guilty of killing your mother! The only thing I could think to do was pray. Hold not thy peace,O Lord of my praise, for the mouth of the wicked and the mouth of the deceitful are opened against me. Have mercy, Lord. Forgive me, Lord. Restore me, Lord. Your grace is my sufficiency. Over and over I said the words out loud until my body stopped trembling. When it did, I put my head down on the desk and cried.

This was too big for me to do alone. I picked up the telephone and called Ken. His wife, René, answered the telephone.

“René. I killed my mother. How did I kill my mother?” I was wailing into the telephone. I don’t know how she knew it was me.

“Just breathe, baby. Come on, breathe with me. Take a breath. Now tell me what happened.”

I told René about burying Rhonda and trying to release Karen as my agent. I told her about the thought that had popped into my brain and what happened to my body.

“You know that’s not what really happened. Take a breath and tell me what really happened. Close your eyes and breathe with me.” René and I took several deep breaths together. When I was calm enough to talk, I let the words pour out of my mouth.

“Everyone said that if my mother had not had me, she would not have died. I’ve heard that most of my life. ‘Your mother should have never had you. She should have had the operation.’ No one ever explained it to me, they just said it. In my mind, I concluded that somehow, because of me being born, my mother died. Then I blocked it out.” René was breathing harder than I was.

“You know that you and your mother had a soul agreement. You both agreed that she would leave you so that you could learn. You know that, don’t you?”

“Yes. I do know that. I guess I just forgot.”

“Those bastards! You know they did not say those things in love, right? What did they take from you by saying that? Do you know what they took?”

“No.”

“Your innocence. You are innocent, Iyanla. Say that with me, I am innocent. I have innocence.” I repeated the words with René.

“You are innocent. Please remember that. It is your innocence that allows you to love yourself. You have done nothing wrong. You kept your agreement, and your mother kept hers.”

As René and I talked, something else came to my mind. I was too shaken to share it with her, so I thanked her and promised to call later. My thoughts were racing. I grabbed my journal out of my bag, a pen from the basket on my desk, and began to write.

I always thought that Uncle Leroy took my innocence. Now I realize he did not. What he did was misinterpret my cry for love. I was a loveless child, crying out for love and attention. I was willing to do anything to get love and feel love. Uncle Leroy heard my cry, he saw what I needed, but he misinter preted it. He tried to love me the only way he knew how, sexually. He was not trying to hurt me, he was trying to love me. Just like I misinterpreted